


Angebunden

by fleaflofloyd



Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:53:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26387485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleaflofloyd/pseuds/fleaflofloyd
Summary: She sucks in the air against the twinge in her chest and remembers where she is.Home.She lets her eyes adjust, and--Lucille is in the armchair beside her, asleep in her pyjamas, her blanket over her legs. Her arm is settled beside Val on the bed.She's home, and she's not alone.----Finally home, Valerie takes stock of where she is, and what she needs to do. A sequel to 'I never thought...' but a prequel to everything else.
Relationships: Lucille Anderson/Valerie Dyer
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Angebunden

"I don't mean to sound glib, but this _is_ rather comical."

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Trixie's joviality misses the mark completely, the three of them staring back at her with something akin to incredulity.

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"Nurse Franklin," Phyllis says curtly, "perhaps you could walk back to Nonnatus and give Nurse Dyer the room she needs."

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Valerie can't help the huff that escapes her nose, the sudden lightness of the moment finding her briefly before her chest stings.

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Lucille notices the catch of her breath.

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A hand slides across the small of her back.

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"Do you want to rest?" she asks quietly, as Trixie and Phyllis continue their own conversing.

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Val stands up a little straighter, readjusting the crutch handles in her hands and under her armpits.

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She couldn't have just broken one bone. She had to break five. In ways that collectively hurt the others.

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"I just want to get home. Let's do it the second way, with my leg up across the seat."

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"You sure?" Trixie asks. "It gave you pain before."

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"Us standing here in the street debating it is..."

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Valerie pauses and breathes in carefully, a short breath taken against the pain.

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She's beginning to feel the annoyance stick in her gut.

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She'd already let her temper explode a week ago.

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Again won't be tolerated.

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_Calm down. Let them help you._

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"I can bear it a little longer."

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She feels Lucille's hand press in further, conveying her worry. Her brown eyes are saying just as much.

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"Val..."

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"I'll be fine. It's twenty minutes if Phyllis takes Llewellyn Road. And besides, at least it's not Sister Winifred driving."

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She aims for a joke, taking her cue from her friend, because she needs the distraction. She needs her friends to be distracted so they stop worrying so much about her, so they can fold her into Phyllis's car and be done with it.

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They're the ones stopping this enterprise from occurring with their nitpicking over her pain level.

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She just wants her bed and her things and to get as far away from that hospital room as possible.

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It's been three weeks. Four, if she counts her time under sedation.

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It's felt like an eternity.

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"Easy on the corners, Phyllis," she says, stepping her crutches out towards the open car door and hobbling there.

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She'll be damned if she spends one more moment here.

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\---

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It hurts.

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A lot.

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She's keenly aware of how clammy her hand has become in Lucille's, sweat beading at her forehead, her cardigan too sticky now against her flushed skin.

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"Five more minutes, precious."

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Lucille squeezes her hand and smiles reassuringly.

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Val manages not to grimace.

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It's more like ten.

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Her ribs sing out in pain as Phyllis takes a right turn.

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_It's not her fault. It's just the cobblestones and the road and the car--_

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She looks out the window and catches sight of the sign for Davis Road.

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A whip-crack of force hits her suddenly, the screaming of brakes piercing the night air as the oxygen is knocked from her lungs.

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She can't breathe.

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She can't move.

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She can't--

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"Val, Val, hey, look at me."

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The voice is off in the distance, muffled under the ringing in her--

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Something soft eases her chin upwards and towards the light.

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Lucille.

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Lucille is there, speaking to her.

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The sight of her softens the ringing, that sweet voice she knows coming through.

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"--the other side of it now, Valerie. We made it past, you're okay, just look at me. Keep going, Phyllis, get us away--just look at me, Val. Just breathe."

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Her tone is soft as she continues to talk, directing Val to take small breaths, calm breaths. 

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"Easy now, precious." A breath in. "Good girl, you're doing so well." A breath out. "You're on the other side. That's it."

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Val sucks in the air slowly, carefully, feeling the weight ease off her chest as the memory slips towards the recesses of her mind.

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All she wants is to be held.

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Her broken leg is in the way.

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Her leg is up on Lucille's lap, keeping them apart, keeping Lucille pinned in her canted forward position, reaching with her fingers still gently there at Val's chin.

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Tethered.

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Tethered in the back seat.

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Tethered in a fateful mistake that had nearly killed her.

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All at once, Val realises her eyes are watering, her throat closing in on the emotion like a vice.

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A thumb taps lightly against the front of her chin.

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"You're okay, my precious girl. You're okay now. I'm here with you."

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Her heart knows its true. Lucille's brown eyes are offering her that certainty.

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There's a quick sniffle from the front seat.

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Trixie.

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Val feels the weight leave her as her eyes snap forward to her friends.

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They're both staring straight ahead at the oncoming road.

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Aware of every word, nonetheless.

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Val shifts her chin away and hears Lucille sigh as a result.

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The hand slips back down towards Val's clammy one, hidden by her cast.

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Hidden.

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Hidden.

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There.

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She feels Lucille squeeze her fingers.

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Brown eyes are communicating across the expanse between them:

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_I love you._

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_You're okay._

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_We're okay._

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_Just a little longer._

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\---

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Then, she's home.

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Each of her colleagues is in the foyer, beaming back at her. They hug her carefully around her crutches as she brushes her hair over her scar, once, twice, until Lucille wraps a warm hand around her arm. 

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She's absolutely drained.

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But there's a lunch spread, prepared for her arrival on the dining table that she can't say no to.

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It's too much of a special occasion for her to ruin it with something as selfish as her exhaustion.

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She pushes her annoyance down and plasters on a smile.

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Lucille sees right through it.

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"Val's going to have some food," she says as she pulls out the brunette's chair, "and then she's heading upstairs to rest. I know you're all aware of how taxing broken bones can be."

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They all understand.

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Val sighs, the weight of expectation shifted from her shoulders to Lucille's for the time being.

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If her hand finds a familiar one under the table, as brief as a touch can be, then that's their business.

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Another look shared:

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_Just a little longer._

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\---

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Then, the stairs.

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Her friends had shimmied her up the outside front ones, Val's weight no longer her own to lift. 

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It had been manageable in its stature.

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Now the looming interior staircase appears insurmountable, even with Lucille and Trixie by her side.

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"Perhaps we need Dr Turner and Fred for this.”

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Val looks at her friend and shakes her head. "I've got another seven weeks and three days in this cast--I'd better get used to hauling myself up them."

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"Not that we're counting or anything,” Lucille adds quietly, a hint of mirth in her voice.

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If she wasn't so tired, she'd stick her tongue out. She settles for leaning back into that hand and sighing.

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Lucille nods her understanding.

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It takes a ridiculously long time for them to ascend the stairs, Val having to concentrate on every movement, each stretch the wrong way signalling fresh pain.

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It's broken bones and muscle disuse and a healing lung, all wrapped up in fatigue.

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She's going straight to sleep as soon as she eases her body onto the mattress.

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Damn trying to get back to a proper sleep schedule.

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She's got a tick under two months for that.

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\---

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Something startles her, the darkness looming where hospital room lights had once calmed.

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Her heart's thundering, breath caught in her throat.

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_Just breathe, just breathe--_

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She sucks in the air against the twinge in her chest and remembers where she is.

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Home.

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She lets her eyes adjust, and--

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Lucille is in the armchair beside her, asleep in her pyjamas, her blanket over her legs. Her arm is settled beside Val on the bed.

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She's home, and she's not alone.

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Lucille's presence warms her, soothing, replacing the apprehension.

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She evens out.

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A glance to her left from her elevated position confirms Trixie's absence, her friend on call.

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Slipping her hand out from under the covers, she ghosts her fingertips over Lucille's soft skin.

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It's enough to wake her.

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She's shy. Embarrassed to be found there.

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Val feels her hand squeezed as Lucille apologises.

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"You should be in your bed--Trixie'll be back if I need her."

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Lucille closes her eyes and nods.

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She does not move.

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Her eyes open, falling to their handhold, Val's ticking clock the only sound for a long moment.

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"I couldn't sleep in it." Lucille's voice is low and tender. "There were too many walls between us."

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_"You wrote to me, said you'd been thinking about how you felt when you were with me. You told me about Sally, and--"_

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_"Lucille, stop this right now, before--"_

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_"No. I'm telling you before I lose my nerve. I owe you that much, and you're going to listen, because YOU owe me that. Don't take me for a fool because I'm not. I know how I feel."_

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_"Lucille, you can't--"_

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_"You're too late, because I do. I love you, the way you loved Sally. The way you love me."_

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_"I won't let you ruin what you have with Cyril."_

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_"We ended it."_

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_Her eyes widen. "What?"_

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_"You heard me."_

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_There's a certainty in Lucille's eyes that is scaring Val. Angering her._

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_"You can't break up with him--he's a good man, Lucille. He loves you."_

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_"But he isn't you."_

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_Her mind goes blank as her heart stops. The anger disappears, leaving only trepidation._

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_Intrigue._

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_Hope._

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_"He doesn't make me feel like there's fireworks going off inside of me."_

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_The recollection of that night, of how she'd felt, is buzzing deep inside of her. Has buzzed since Lucille started this conversation, mere minutes ago._

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_This is what she's been seeing in Lucille's eyes since she woke up._

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_She thinks of booming colours and heat and those deep brown eyes._

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_"I know you feel it too. I didn't know what it was at the time, but my heart was racing in my chest that night. Racing for you, in a way I've only known once before. It's only been in the last..."_

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_Lucille pauses, and Val hears her exhale a shaky breath._

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_The last..._

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_Here._

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_At death's door._

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_The magnitude of Lucille understanding her feelings as she was about to lose her hits Val square in the chest._

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_Oh, God._

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_She slips her hand down towards Lucille, palm turning up on the edge of the bed, searching for a physical connection. Needing one._

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_Lucille obliges her, fingers sliding across her palm slowly._

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_The buzzing continues, low in her stomach._

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_She thinks this might be the most important moment of her life._

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_She needs to tread carefully._

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_"You deserve the world. To get married and have kids and...love someone openly. I can't give you that."_

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_Lucille squeezes her hand tightly and holds her gaze, steady and sure._

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_"I only want you. Just you. I spent the first few days after reading your letter scared and confused, wondering how this could be, how I could love another woman and still be faithful to the Lord. But then I realised I could do both. He gave me the gift of you. Me loving you doesn't mean I love God any..."_

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_Lucille pauses, thinking, before she chuckles._

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_"What is it?"_

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_"Do you remember watching the Sound of Music back in April?"_

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_Valerie narrows her brow, confused._

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_Lucille urges her on silently._

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_She searches back through what she can recall before..._

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_She sees a flash of a cinema screen, Lucille telling her off for her terrible singing--_

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_Nothing else is coming back to her._

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_She growls in frustration._

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_Lucille squeezes her hand again. "The Reverend Mother says to Maria, 'These walls were not built to shut out problems. You have to face them. You have to live the life you were born to live'."_

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_"But life isn't a fairy tale, Lucille...if we're found out, we could--"_

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_"And I'm telling you I don't care," Lucille interjects abruptly. "I need you to face this with me, Val. I don't want a wall between us ever again. This is the life we're meant to have, you fool, and I'm not arguing anymore about this. You love me. I love you. It's decided."_

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The memory disappears, her focus finding Lucille, poised on the edge of the armchair. There's deep concern in her eyes.

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"Are you okay? You've been somewhere else for--you did that all the time in the hospital...scared me half to death thinking the doctor's missed something in your cognitive tests."

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"I'm fine."

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Lucille tilts her head imperceptibly, and Valerie knows the question is coming.

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She beats her to it. "Two, Luce. I'm sore, and the pillows are going to ruin my back, but I'm home now. I made it back for my birthday."

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Lucille accepts the answer reluctantly. With an upturn of her lips, she says, "You're still not getting your present until tomorrow."

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Val turns her head towards her alarm clock. 

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It's facing the other way.

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She looks back to find a knowing glint in Lucille's eye.

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"Unfair," she states, shaking her head.

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Lucille hums, "Perhaps."

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Val feels the slightest pressure at her fingers, feeling the moment shift between them as they hold each other's look.

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She can see love there, and relief.

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"I'm glad you made it home, Valerie Dyer."

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Val watches as Lucille lifts their hands, the buzzing inside of her creeping up through her chest.

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The slowest, softest kiss is placed against her fingers. Lucille's lips linger there, stilled.

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It's a first for them here.

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"Are we beginning now?" Val asks, her voice barely her own in this sudden serenity.

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Lucille hums and kisses her knuckles again. "I'm not going to rush you."

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She exhales and smiles. "You could never."

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"Still..." Another soft peck. "Let's get you into a routine, so we can get you back to work. No more sleeping twelve hours during the day, hmm?"

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Valerie's mind ticks over, the clock a sudden thought.

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It was after lunch when she'd--

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"It _is_ my birthday," she says brightly.

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Lucille chuckles and nods, setting their hands on her knee. "Yes. Happy Birthday, precious. Present tomorrow, okay?"

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Val nods and sinks back into the pillows.

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She doesn't really need a gift.

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She has everything she wants right here in this room.

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\---

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Valerie wakes to a cacophony of voices, peeling open her eyes to see her friends and Lucille bundled in the doorway, a tray of breakfast and presents in their hands.

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Before she can complain about the noise, they start singing _Happy Birthday_ to her, full of joy and heart.

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Her eyes water immediately.

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"Thank you."

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She tries to sit up and her wince is audible, and pained.

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Sister Julienne is the first to reach her, helping her forward as Phyllis takes her other arm.

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"I'm fine," she says, annoyed at herself.

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"Bend your good knee and shift your bottom back as we lift you, alright? Can someone sort the pillows?"

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Lucille sets the tray down on Trixie's bed, stepping around the older woman.

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Val manages the move, barely.

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"I'm just stiff from sleep," she says to no one and everyone.

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"Are you comfortable?" Lucille asks.

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She probably won't be for a while, but she lies and nods her head.

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The Sister and Phyllis step back as Lucille fusses with the blankets.

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Valerie glances up at her friends, watching as they take her and Lucille in. Trixie she can deal with, but...

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_If we're found out..._

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She can't let them--

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"I'm fine, Lucille."

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It's harsher than she intends.

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Lucille's face drops, stunned.

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She stands.

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"Sorry for interrupting your pursuit of a hot breakfast."

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She backs away, lifting the tray again.

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The temperament in the room cools as Lucille sets it in Valerie's lap and moves to the end of the bed.

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There's toast and scrambled eggs and bacon. Baked beans as well. Tea in her favourite mug. Juice as well.

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She's suddenly not hungry.

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She starts eating it anyway, to distract herself from her friends and what they...

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Phyllis takes charge, beginning a conversation with Sister Hilda on the subject of cereal, Valerie aware of her attempt to fill the silence. 

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The others join in, doing the same.

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Sister Monica Joan, impatient and insistent, begins opening her own present for Val, even as the other Sisters dissuade her.

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"It's fine," Val gets out around a bite of egg and toast.

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It's going cold already.

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She looks past Trixie to Lucille, who is looking down at the bed leg.

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"As you will be immobile and likely contained to the elevated rooms of Nonnatus," Sister Monica Joan says to her, "I shall be providing you with books from my extensive collection, for you to bear your day with. This week we shall be reading about Miss Lennox and Master Craven's rejuvenation of mind, spirit and body."

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She holds the green book up, beaming with pride at her choice.

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Val's read it, the memory of her and Sally and her red, red hair springing forth in her mind.

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"Sounds lovely." 

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Her voice is convincing.

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Except for one.

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Valerie looks Lucille's way again, and she's looking back now. Her eyes have narrowed slightly, somehow aware of Val's mental disturbance.

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She's tethered to her mood, as usual.

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It's a horrible thought.

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\---

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Opening the other gifts fills the space with paper and lightness.

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A frivolity she doesn't deserve.

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She takes her time, hoping the delay will erase her outburst.

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At least she hopes it will in Lucille's mind.

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She doesn't receive a gift from her. It's nowhere in sight, so she knows it's not being withheld on purpose.

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Heaven knows she deserves that instead.

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The world's been moving on without her though, and it must do so again.

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Her friends say goodbye, leaving Lucille and Trixie to tidy up the numerous discarded wrappings and crumbs on Val's sheets.

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Trixie keeps things light. "We need to vacuum you."

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"You're the ones who brought it up to me." She picks up a stray piece of egg to eat.

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Lucille looks across the space of the room, wrappers in her hands. "Please don't eat off your bedsheets."

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It's short and demanding.

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Trixie gives her a look of sympathy. "This is the same woman that leaves her chocolate in the fridge with the haemorrhoid creams."

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Her friend is still attempting to bridge the gap with humour.

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Val knows she needs to try as well.

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"We have a wrinkly fingered thief in the house." She picks up another crumb and deposits it in Trixie's curved hand. "You think I'd do that otherwise?"

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"Yes," they say together.

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Val watches a genuine smile appear on Lucille's face at Trixie's laugh.

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She's overdoing it.

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Val loves her for it.

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"I should've stayed in the hospital for the peace and quiet."

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Lucille picks up a ripped corner of paper. "You were climbing the walls."

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She had been. Quite badly.

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"Building them again, too," Lucille adds quietly, eyes turning to the floor.

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Valerie holds her breath.

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Trixie catches her eye, silently saying:

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_I can go if you want._

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Valerie nods quickly and motions to the door.

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The sound of crunching paper persists.

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"I suppose I'd better get going," Trixie starts. "I'm at the clinic today, but I'll bring you back some violet creams for supper. How does that sound?"

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Val nods solemnly. "Sounds lovely. Thanks, Trix..for everything."

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"You're welcome. Happy birthday, sweetie." She turns to Lucille. "Val's gift is on the top shelf of the wardrobe, in between my sweaters. I'll leave you two to it."

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She looks at Val one last time, trying to convey something.

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She supposes it's something like patience, or maybe faith.

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Then, they're alone.

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Lucille moves across the room, scrunching the wrapping into the waste paper basket before moving to the wardrobe.

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Valerie watches her find the gift, pull it down and stare at it.

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It's pink.

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"Trixie wrapped it then?"

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Lucille looks over to her and nods, not saying a word.

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She comes back to the bed and sits on the end of it, playing with the ribbon.

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The silence lingers, unwanted.

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Val knows she needs to speak. Her tongue all at once seems to be stuck motionless inside her mouth.

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She finds something simple, based in fact, to say.

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"I love you. Even when I'm..."

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The sentence leaves her, unfinished.

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_Even when I'm climbing the walls, feeling like a caged animal._

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_When I'm in pain and don't know what to do._

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_When the thought of us scares me half to death._

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_Even when the thought of the outside world knowing scares me into hurting you._

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"Always," she adds, in a whisper so it doesn't break.

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Lucille looks up then, swallowing hard.

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Brown eyes have watered.

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She needs to...

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"I'm sorry," she says. "This is new to me. I can't be the reason you lose your job here."

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"Do you honestly think Sister Julienne hasn't worked it out by now?"

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Valerie's eyes widen.

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Lucille huffs at the sight. "I spent nearly every moment I wasn't at work by your side. Give her a little credit, Val."

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"I'm just trying to protect you," she counters.

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"No. You're protecting yourself. I told you I was in this with you, but if this wall stays between us, the one you tried to put up again in the hospital, then..."

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Valerie stays silent.

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There is one.

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She needs to put her bricks away now.

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She's dug in deep. Kept the fortress strong. Dealt with its weight alone. Last week's explosion of anger had been an indication that the foundations were not just going to dissolve into dust, no matter how much she or Lucille wanted it that way.

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She's seen too much. Been under too much dirt and muck and heartbreak.

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She's going to have to work at it. Dismantle it piece by piece.

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Because it hurts Lucille now.

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It's going to hurt them.

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She needs to start talking things out, before...

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"Will you come closer?"

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Lucille nods and shifts up the bed to Val's arm.

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Valerie slides a hand along golden skin, feeling the warmth there; she lets it seep into her fingers and hand, and further upwards.

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"I'm scared, but I'm trying. I love you. I want you. Always."

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Lucille exhales a loud breath. Closes her eyes. "I need you to try your absolute hardest, okay?"

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A tear slips down her cheek, untethered and free.

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Valerie sits forward against her pain and moves to wipe it, featherlight. As gently as she can. She slips her fingers slowly under a chin.

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"Look at me, Lu."

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Her voice breaks on her love's name, her tears welling.

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Brown eyes open and the world is there.

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The world she wants is there.

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"You have my heart," she tells Lucille. "Please take care of it as I clear a path for you."

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Lucille's face softens. A small smile appears.

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It's a start. A brick removed.

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Valerie sighs and returns it. "I'm going to change the subject now, but it's not because I don't want to deal with those hard things. It's because I want to experience the good ones too. Like what's in that wrapping paper in your hands."

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Lucille huffs and the smile breaks across her face, watery and divine. "You're ridiculous."

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She hands the present over anyway.

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"What does that say about you?" Valerie asks smartly, earning a slap on her leg.

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"Sit back now," Lucille tells her.

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Valerie does.

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The weight lifts from them, the tethering stronger.

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She slips the ribbon off and pulls at an edge of the tape, sliding the gift away from the paper.

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Julie Andrews' poised figure beams from the front cover of the booklet, a mountain climbed in the background.

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Tucked in behind that is the record, Julie there in her pink dress with Christopher, hands on hips, and the children in yellow.

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_I need you to face this with me, Val. I don't want another wall between us ever again._

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Of course.

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"I bought them as a reminder to you. Seems appropriate, again." She quickly rolls her eyes. "Had to traipse into the city in the rain. The record store owners were big fans--broke into a few songs while I was there. They were lovely and kind...like us, I think."

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Valerie looks up then and sees a calmness to Lucille's features, to the statement at hand, that she knows might not have been there a month ago.

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"Both of us?"

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Lucille nods. "I know I loved Wallace back home, heaven knows he completely broke my heart, but you've...you make me want to..."

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Val waits patiently.

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"You make me want to sing every prayer, every song I've ever known, with no regard to pitch or tempo or--"

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"So, like me then," Val jokes, interrupting.

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"Yes, because there's no rhyme or reason to any of this. But it feels right. Nothing has ever felt more right. To me, at least."

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Valerie watches as she picks up the discarded ribbon and winds it around her fingers, uncharacteristically fidgeting.

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Valerie realises she's waiting for a return of the sentiment.

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"To me too, greatly."

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Lucille looks up at her and sees her amused smile. She huffs out a laugh and smiles back. Redirects the ribbon the other way, loosening it.

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Val reaches for it, taking it from her hands.

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"Your English skills leave a lot to be desired." Lucille points at the record in Val's lap. "Maybe I should go back and ask for the _My Fair Lady_ one instead."

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Val chuckles and slips the ribbon around a delicate wrist, Lucille letting her.

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"The rain..." 

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Around again against golden skin.

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"In Spain..."

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Another loop.

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"Stays mainly..."

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Once more.

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"In the plain," they both say, enunciating the syllable and giggling.

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Val ties a bow with the ends and double knots it.

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"Well, that's not coming off without a pair of scissors," Lucille says.

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"Nope."

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"Good."

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"Good?" Val questions.

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"Yes. I'm tethered to you now."

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_Yes, you are,_ Valerie thinks.

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\---

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She wakes in the darkness to the door opening, her eyes finding the back of Lucille as she eases the door shut.

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Val closes her eyes and listens instead.

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Her pause, to make sure she and Trixie are undisturbed.

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Her footfalls across the room.

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The intake of breath and the shuffling of clothes as she approaches.

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The soft thud of the armchair legs on the carpet beside her bed.

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The creak of a knee as its occupant settles onto the cushioned frame.

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A flick of a blanket, positioned over her legs.

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The soft presence of an arm beside.

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She can feel the bow touching her skin.

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Valerie falls asleep to the comfort of it.

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\---

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**Author's Note:**

> Miss Lennox and Master Craven are characters from The Secret Garden, published in 1911. There have been many adaptions, notably the 1993 movie starring Dame Maggie Smith and the about to be released version, starring Dixie Egerickx, Julie Walters and Colin Firth.
> 
> The Sound of Music needs no explanation.
> 
> Nor My Fair Lady.


End file.
